I accidentally burped into my bong.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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