eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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