im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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