dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
