I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
