Your mouth is God's brothel.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
