They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
