Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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