Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
