Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
