i think i have two assholes
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
