She's JV to your varsity
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We are two peas in an std pod
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
