She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
