Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
