my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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