Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
