he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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