I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we're so committed to being not committed
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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