I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
