how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
