Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
