So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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