don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
