Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
