i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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