Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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