I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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