Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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