I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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