This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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