First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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