I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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