remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
