Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
