he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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