I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
