Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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