As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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