I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
