Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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