No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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