they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
