Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
