i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
