i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
