Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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