so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
