dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
accomplished twins. life is a go
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
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This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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