i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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