I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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