He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
