Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
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i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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