i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
