my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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