I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
