Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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