i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
