where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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