hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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