On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
