She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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