Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I can't turn off my feet"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
