doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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