My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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