I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
