dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
