Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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