just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
