My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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