mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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