My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
