I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
