just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
