I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
