guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
